Literary Mash-Up Extravaganza, Day #2

The Maltese Windup Bird Chronicle
When his cat goes missing, Sam suspects the Falcon. But before initiating pursuit, he stops by his neighbor’s house to have psychic sex. Cold comfort indeed!
Sue Z. Smith

Pride and Premeditation in Cold Blood
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man who pays in cash, must be in possession of a safe.
Stacy Korn-Luebke

Generation X-Files
A bunch of depressed teenagers get motivated to find out why the government is hiding information about extraterrestrials. Or whatever.
Agatha Monteleon

Travels With My Plant
The life of staid bank manager Henry Pulling changes forever on being visited by his eccentric aunt Augusta.  Who is a triffid.
Mithran Somasundrum

Little, Big House on the Prairie
Laura and Mary are at first perplexed and then intrigued by proof of fairies in their garden. . .until the fairies turn freaky, kidnap them, and force them to live in an abandoned apartment building in New York City.
Matthew Blue

One Flew Over the Atlas Shrugged
Randle P. McMurphy reads Rand to his detriment.
Gary Presley

Interview with the Vampire Slayer
Buffy’s day just got brighter.
Bumbleboo

Pride and Extreme Prejudice
Elizabeth Bennett becomes an assassin and kicks ass on that Heathcliff guy.
Sheldon

Lust for Life of Pi
A Pondicherry zookeeper cuts off his ear and takes up painting tigers on velvet.
Jack Shakely

On the Road Less Traveled
Jack Kerouac and Neal Cassidy take the wrong turn and get lost in the woods. When they run out of bennies, they eat whatever strange-looking mushrooms they can find and sit up all night babbling unintelligibly to each other, later remembering those random babblings as incredible speeches of mind-altering profundity.
Nick

Literary Mash-Up Extravaganza, Day #1

I can’t stop thinking up those litticisms.
–Jeff Osier-Mixon

Due to the staggering quality and variety of the submissions received for the Literary Mash-Up Extravaganza, we co-hosts have thrown caution (and judging) to the winds and will post all of the submissions, ten at a time in no particular order, daily until we run out of either submissions or stamina.

Our heartfelt thanks to everyone participating! This has been an absolutely hilarious week.

To Kill A Jonathon Livingston Seagull
Scout runs amok at Esalon.
Jack Shakely

Finnegan’s 451
Reader’s Digest condenses James Joyce’s seminal work.
Gary Presley

The Da Vinci Code of the Samurai
A math savant discovers that the lineage of Jesus actually leads to the the rise of Japanese feudal lords in the Middle Ages. The film version is a buddy movie starring Tom Hanks and Ken Watanabe, with Jackie Chan portraying the entire Chinese army from the Yuan Dynasty.
Elwood P. Gray

A Confederacy Of Jane Eyres
A local genius is thwarted by well-meaning governesses who won’t leave his attic alone.
Stacy Korn-Luebke

A Long Day’s Journey into a Hard Day’s Night
A dysfunctional family becomes a famous pop group.
Michael Wright

The Unbearable Lightness of Being The Idiot
Cheating on his wife, his Czech mistress, and the fianceé of a good friend causes a gullible Russian prince to drive his car into a tree. Hence, the nickname.
Sue Z. Smith

The King James and the Giant Peach Bible
The new testament just got juicier.
Bumbleboo

The Old Mice and Men and the Sea
Santiago, Lenny and George, determined to raise a stake so they can “Live on the fatta the lan,’” head out in the skiff to la mar in search of the great marlin. Even though they’re a crew of misfit bindle stiffs, they wage an epic battle—men against fish—and win. Tragically, Lenny pets the marlin too hard and it dies. George, in an act of mercy, cracks Lenny over the head with an oar and puts the poor bastard out of his misery. George and Santiago agree that Santiago will tend the rabbits instead.
Heather Ophir

The Mists of Frankie Avalon
Don’t stand downwind of him after the cocktail party.
Sheldon

The Old Man and the C Programming Language
Brian Kernighan and Dennis Ritchie struggle with a giant fish.
Jeff Osier-Mixon